I don’t remember it being this bad #
The last few nights I’ve been working through fan edits of the sequel Star Wars movies. The first one, The Force Awakens (Restructured), was good. The fan edit made is better. The second one, The Last Jedi (Legendary), was okay, the fan edit didn’t make it much better. The third one, The Rise of Skywalker (Ascendant), was really bad. I dare say the worst of all of the Stars War. The fan edit did nothing at all to make it better. It’s really just that bad.
Let’s first start with the obvious #
I don’t blame Carrie Fisher’s untimely death for why this movie sucks so bad. Her role really was minor in each of the movies before this, it wasn’t going to change in this one either. The way the writers wrote her death into the story was well done. They worked with an issue and made the best of it. She was honored well with the writing.
Now let’s get into the guts #
As I was watching, I rage texted my frustrations to my friend Mark. Here are the ravings of a mad man; angry at a lame, poorly written, cash grab of a movie.
I just hate how they keep force feeding the “Rey doesn’t have an identity storyline”.
Who cares
It’s such a stupid part of the story
she found family with the resistance and in becoming a Jedi.
That’s normal life to choose your “real” family.
This writing is almost worse than Lucas’
I feel like I’m discovering everything in the story in real-time.
then it’s gone immediately.
No build, no lead.
Oh here’s a wayfinder
What the fuck is a wayfinder
Runic language of the sith. That was never established ever
This giant snake is injured, but Rey is giving it a kindness all of a sudden.
She has healing powers with the force. Weeeeeeee
Okay moving on now, no relevance, crisis averted in less than 30 seconds.
Quick explainer, force energy from the ancient texts.
Now we’re already moving on.
We’re stumbling through the story.
and magically convenient for the story, C-3PO can’t translate the wayfinder.
Hux is the spy. WAT.
(Mark): Just wait until you see his story arc
and he’s shot.
what goes up comes down very quickly in JJ’s Star Wars.
Hux the spy is dead as soon as he arrived.
(long break as they dealt with Carrie’s death)
edit: correction below, Mark later messaged me after reading this post. the magenta light saber was part of the fan edit, not part of the original film. the change in the fan edit was done to distinguish Leia’s light saber from Luke’s, but in the original, it was the same color.
And Luke knew about Rey the whole time. Leia knew it too. Cheap.
WHAT… Leia had a light saber. and it was magenta. stoooooopid.
No one had a magenta saber.
what’s his name in the prequels wanted a different color which didn’t fit canon.
what a shitshow.
Two wayfinders were made, conveniently.
and now we’re back to stumbling through the story with solutions to problems that just happened.
we had a nice little break to develop the story for a while, but it’s all gone now.
and C3PO now has all of his memories back, because R2 could do that the whole time.
and now we’re shifting into the third act, with a happy little music montage and speech from Poe Dameron.
the fleet of ships is soo over the top massive. this is like Transformers 10
Finn now is force sensitive. “I feel it.” convenient.
oh god, they’re riding horses to solve the command ship issue. where did they get the fucking horses from?
this is like JJ just wanted to end the movie, so let’s just pull shit out of our ass!
okay, now the final showdown #
Rey finally meets the emperor in what seems like a recreation of the same conversation he had with Luke.
Open the window, see that your friends are going to be killed unless you give in to the dark side.
yeah, yeah, we already watched this movie. You don’t have anything new to bring to the story, Emperor?
I didn’t finish it #
I just couldn’t do it. It was getting late and I wanted to sleep.
Final answer… The Rise of Skywalker wasn’t worth staying up late for.
Fuck you, you’re old.